Self Care – Loving My Body, Even When I’m Trying To Change It

I am very lucky to have a pretty healthy relationship with my body, and luckily it is not something that causes me much upset. However I am currently on a fitness and possibly weight loss journey and there are a few things I wanted to talk about before I write about that. Firstly a little background on my body and it’s journey to where it is today.

I spent most of my life very thin.

I was always a very naturally thin child and teenager. I was lucky growing up to have reasonably big boobs, a little waist, flat tummy and I’m quite an average height. My body is something I was very lucky to grow up not worrying about too much. When you are thin, it is incredible how mean people can be to you about it. This is possibly the only thing that ever really bothered me about my figure at a young age.

My First Pregnancy.

When I fell pregnant at the age of 19 I absolutely piled on the pounds, I don’t to carry my babies lightly! When I had Jess aged 20, I gradually lost the baby weight by walking everywhere (I couldn’t drive back then). I was also completely skint. I went back to work when she was only 4 months old and basically didn’t have much time or money to eat much. I also had an absolutely horrible stressful time around then. This was when I got to my all time thinnest. I was comfortably wearing a size 6 and although this didn’t bother me, when I look back now I don’t even recognise myself.

Finding a Comfortable Weight.

Things got so much better for me as my 20s went on and I found myself at a comfortable size 8-10. This felt like a natural weight to me and I could eat what I wanted, exercise a little and felt very happy and comfortable. I did desperately want another baby though and it took a whole 2 years before I fell pregnant with Lila. Just like my last pregnancy I put on a lot of weight. It didn’t bother me too much as I fully expected to be back in my size 8 jeans after a few months.

After My Second Baby.

I don’t know if it was being a bit older, having a completely different lifestyle or just being happier, but I just didn’t lose much weight. It was so much harder the second time. Since having Lila my weight has gone up and down a bit, but I am at my biggest now. I’ve pretty much been the bigger to smaller end of size 14 since Lila was born, which is fine. I still feel gorgeous and sexy and I have filled a wardrobe with beautiful clothes that fit my body as it is now. There are bits I am self conscious of, like my tummy. there are clothes I wish I could wear, but don’t suit my figure. But I still love my body.

Needing to Lose Weight.

I think I could have comfortably gone on exactly how I was forever, until I got unwell last summer. I was diagnosed with Intracranial Hypertension a condition where your body produces too much spinal fluid and this put pressure on the brain. I started getting very bad headaches and pain behind my eyes and went through quite a horrible time really. I don’t really talk about a lot, because I like to just live my life and get on with it. I might write more about it all at some point when I’m ready. One of the things that is constantly linked with the condition is weight. Most of the people who suffer with IH are overweight women. So one of the things I really need to do to help myself is lose some weight.

Time to Begin.

I have always been very active and generally eat quite healthily. I find diets very emotionally stressful and draining, so for me I want to lose weight gradually by cutting out bad things and making healthier choices. I have also recently gone vegetarian (more about that in another post soon). Mostly I’ve been upping my exercise. I absolutely love going to the gym, walking, running and swimming and over the last few months I’ve been working on getting my fitness levels back up top where they were when I was younger. I’ve also been to a few yoga and Pilates classes and I love them. I feel like I’ve laid the foundations now and I’m ready to start my weight loss journey. I don’t want to lose much and I don’t want to be as thin as I was. But I want my body to be healthy and to work and to be happy.

Loving my Body and Being Kind to it.

I love my body, but part of loving it is being kind to it. I can love it when it was small, when it was big, when it was making my babies and now when it needs work. I do want to write about exercise and food and the steps I’m taking to get well again, but I also don’t want give the impression that there is anything wrong with the way I look now, or how bigger women or smaller women look. This is my body and this is about me looking after me and taking care of me. Most of all it is about health and not size.

It’s weird because I started this blog when Lila was a baby and I was a similar size to the one I am now. I have so many pictures of me as size 14 and obviously far fewer from before. I spent the first 25 years of my life as a size 10 or below and the last 7 as a size 14. I am excited to see where my body will take me over the next few years and I’m looking forward to being able to run faster, swim further, lift heavier weights and stretch to my toes and beyond!

I hope you don’t mind coming on this journey with me! I think that by putting it out there I might feel a bit more motivated to get on with it and put my best foot forward.

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